it's amazing to me how many times in life i can be dead and not even know it.
it's always something silly that snaps me out of it. some seemingly insignificant happenstance in my life, and i'm suddenly enlightened; reminded that i was, indeed, put on this earth to be a part of the living.
im like one of the curious and privileged...traveling into the burroughs of those less fortunate, basking in the beauty of the unknown, forgetting that no matter how much time I spend among them, I am not one of them.
almost every woman I know considers herself different from the rest. we do things with our style and language to set ourselves apart from the rest. but in so many ways, women are all the same. we all want to be loved, appreciated, and none of us want to be lonely.
i am different, not just from women, but from people, in the sense that i know better. i have been taught who i am, i know my worth, and i know exactly what i want and need. i know that i was born to shine, to fly, to use my gifts to heal and uplift people.
but i am alike other people in that i've consistently allowed thirst to keep me from putting what i know into practice. like everyone else, i've allowed loneliness to make me vulnerable, and more than willing to settle for less.
the happenstance that gave me back my life this time came in the form of a phone conversation with my ex. I am simultaneously attracted to his confidence and disgusted by his arrogance. He is the type of person whose sense of self-importance is so intense and overbearing, you feel strangled by it. I tired of listening to him talk about himself, so I set my phone down without asking him to hold while I went to the bathroom. I took a little longer in the bathroom than i thought i would and fully expected to come back to a dial tone. instead, when i got back to my phone, he was still going on about his life, his opinions, his personal struggles. I remained on the phone with him for another hour. not once did he ask me about myself and not once did he ask me how I felt about anything. If i ventured to tell him anyway, his responses were so superficial it made my stomach turn.
now, this is someone whom I love, and someone who I've considered being with again. but how can someone be for me if he doesn't even care to know who I am? I can justify his little idiosyncrasies (we all have them and no one's perfect), but if someone can steal your energy and use it all up on their own troubles, and never give any of their energy to yours, then damn it, that person can not be for you.
So my question to myself is, "why keep entertaining this?" I know that, as he is now, he is not for me. So why still the fantasies of us together one day? Why do I still sometimes envision us off in the clouds somewhere, dancing on fluff...so in love?
I asked Fred Shelton about this phenomenom. Said, "Why do we attach ourselves in relationships/situationships to people who we know are not for us? Who we know are not 'the one'?" he gave me the simple truth that i'd acknowledged before i even asked..."because nobody wants to be lonely."
sooo, I endure sheer madness...i perpetuate a situation that is, in every way, a lie, just so that i wont be lonely? i cherish the comfort of him (though i know it isn't lasting) because i'm afraid of the sound of my own thoughts? the sound of my own breath...alone?
crazy.
what I want is simple. someone who I'm impressed with. someone who speaks and moves like a poet, whether he is one or not. someone who is as intelligent as I am. someone who is more interested in hearing my story than telling his. someone who makes me laugh. someone who makes me scream. someone who has struggled. someone who knows my insecurities and weaknesses, but won't use them against me. someone who feels good to the touch. someone who is spiritual. someone who loves black people. someone who makes the people say yeaaaaaaaa.
most importantly, someone who "does not run and hide when my voice hits the target, or my words sear the soul, or my truth makes things too damn clear." (Sister Souljah, Midnight)
I am looking for my King.
and now that I am once again a part of the living, I'm willing to wait. in the meantime, I wont have meaningless phone conversations. I wont go on meaningless dates. I will choose loneliness over meaningless thrills. I wont succumb to thirst.
thirst is death. settling is death. fear of loneliness is death.
I want to live.
no matter how much time I spend amongst the dead, I am not one of them.
xoxo
allaisia hanan
